Sunday, November 16, 2008

kjo don't blog no more.

I've taken to writing things down again.
My posts on here are downers, and I don't want to bum out on a public site all the I'm going to put it on paper.
If I have something nice to say, I'll say it here.
For now, I'm just trying to deal with being the girl that talked to herself on the playground.
Hit me up in real life- the interweb is for robots.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

come and find me.

I have a cold. I want to take a nap. I washed down cough syrup and tylenol with some orange juice an hour ago. My body is tired, and I want to sleep, but my mind won't rest. There is so much going on up there, and I feel that I need to let some of my thoughts run free for a little bit. Excuse this mess of memory and presentation. I have a very clear memory of my childhood, and certain special moments from that time of my life come into light every so often.

When I was a little girl I used to play in our backyard everyday. We had huge yard with a pool and a plum tree. I loved to be out there by myself. A lot of days I would hide when my mom would call me inside for dinner. I can remember the feeling of pressing myself into the ground, trying to make my body as flat as possible, becoming a part of the grass and dirt. I wanted to disappear completely. It was a game- I was daring my mom to come and find me.
My heartbeat would slow, I could hear my breathing become peaceful and easy. Come and find me, come and find me. And then my mom would cast her shadow above me, and my game would be over.
Now I'm growing up and she depends on me so much in the same ways I depended on her when i was young. In a completely new way, I still call out to her to find me. I try to do my best to help take care of her, but sometimes things get too hard, and I want to stay young and play outside forever, and I don't want to come inside and grow up. It's in those moments that I find myself calling out to her, begging her for a few more moments of childhood by disappearing into myself. I will lie in bed next to her as she naps and try to make my body perfectly flat. I want to disappear into the mattress and be covered by the sheets and blankets. I want to feel lighter, and instead I am pushed down by the something too heavy. Listening to her breathe is a comfort. I try to slow mine to match hers. The noises we make together as we breathe in sync create a connection that we are unable to find any other way. I can hear my heartbeat and I'm still here. Come and find me. I am here. Come and find me.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

"One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be a family."

"I do not do these things because we are a family. I do them because they are common decencies. I do them because I am not a big f***ing a**hole."

-Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Postscript: I am staying in California to help out at home until further notice.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Player Piano

My niece is the best thing in the world. In this picture she is playing piano with my mom (one of her new favorite activities). It is such an amazing thing to see her put her chubby little fingers on top of my mom's beautiful old hands as she learns what kind of sounds she can make when she presses the keys. I'm such a crybaby every time they play together. Waaahhhhh it's so darling.
Nothing else is new. More blogging tomorrow.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

way to go kelly jo

I got a new calling in the Relief Society Presidency. I have to actually go to activities now. Being social is definitely not one of my great strengths, so all of this...going out's all very new to me. This week I have/had church activites Monday (FHE), Tuesday (Missionary dinner), Wednesday (Branch pool party), today (Branch Batman activity), Friday (Dance), and Saturday (Service Project in Redlands). Is that weird? Why do I feel like the only identity I have right now is my calling? I want me back, please. In an effort to find a balance between church and an actual life, I have been spending my precious spare time doing these things...

Going to Costco just to eat hot dogs with best friend Danielle:

Waiting in line at 5 AM for this phone with this man (thanks pop):

Reading this book (thanks Shauna):

Falling in love with this couch:

Making faces with this kid:

Listening to this soundtrack:

Making plans to move back to this place:

And sacrificing my ticket to see these guys...

...So that I can see these guys (hope I don't regret it):

I want to sleep for six days please. Is that the reason we have callings? To keep us from sleeping for weeks at a time? Is there something I can take to make me sleep for weeks at a time?
I need some answers.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


This morning I woke up and realized that I had fallen asleep with my glasses on AGAIN.

Now they are even more crooked. My dad had a great time with this one. All day I heard "Hey babe your face is crooked" and "I think your eyebrows need to be straightened out". Real funny dad.

Friday, June 27, 2008

"And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl who likes to talk about bands
And all I wanna do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons."