spit & polish til it shines

kjo don't blog no more.

2008-11-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

I've taken to writing things down again.
My posts on here are downers, and I don't want to bum out on a public site all the time...so I'm going to put it on paper.
If I have something nice to say, I'll say it here.
For now, I'm just trying to deal with being the girl that talked to herself on the playground.
Hit me up in real life- the interweb is for robots.

come and find me.

2008-08-14T16:17:00.001-07:00

I have a cold. I want to take a nap. I washed down cough syrup and tylenol with some orange juice an hour ago. My body is tired, and I want to sleep, but my mind won't rest. There is so much going on up there, and I feel that I need to let some of my thoughts run free for a little bit. Excuse this mess of memory and presentation. I have a very clear memory of my childhood, and certain special moments from that time of my life come into light every so often.

When I was a little girl I used to play in our backyard everyday. We had huge yard with a pool and a plum tree. I loved to be out there by myself. A lot of days I would hide when my mom would call me inside for dinner. I can remember the feeling of pressing myself into the ground, trying to make my body as flat as possible, becoming a part of the grass and dirt. I wanted to disappear completely. It was a game- I was daring my mom to come and find me.
My heartbeat would slow, I could hear my breathing become peaceful and easy. Come and find me, come and find me. And then my mom would cast her shadow above me, and my game would be over.
Now I'm growing up and she depends on me so much in the same ways I depended on her when i was young. In a completely new way, I still call out to her to find me. I try to do my best to help take care of her, but sometimes things get too hard, and I want to stay young and play outside forever, and I don't want to come inside and grow up. It's in those moments that I find myself calling out to her, begging her for a few more moments of childhood by disappearing into myself. I will lie in bed next to her as she naps and try to make my body perfectly flat. I want to disappear into the mattress and be covered by the sheets and blankets. I want to feel lighter, and instead I am pushed down by the something too heavy. Listening to her breathe is a comfort. I try to slow mine to match hers. The noises we make together as we breathe in sync create a connection that we are unable to find any other way. I can hear my heartbeat and I'm still here. Come and find me. I am here. Come and find me.

2008-08-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

"One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be a family."

"I do not do these things because we are a family. I do them because they are common decencies. I do them because I am not a big f***ing a**hole."

-Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Postscript: I am staying in California to help out at home until further notice.

Player Piano

2008-08-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

My niece is the best thing in the world. In this picture she is playing piano with my mom (one of her new favorite activities). It is such an amazing thing to see her put her chubby little fingers on top of my mom's beautiful old hands as she learns what kind of sounds she can make when she presses the keys. I'm such a crybaby every time they play together. Waaahhhhh it's so darling.
Nothing else is new. More blogging tomorrow.

way to go kelly jo

2008-07-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I got a new calling in the Relief Society Presidency. I have to actually go to activities now. Being social is definitely not one of my great strengths, so all of this...going out and...doing...things...it's all very new to me. This week I have/had church activites Monday (FHE), Tuesday (Missionary dinner), Wednesday (Branch pool party), today (Branch Batman activity), Friday (Dance), and Saturday (Service Project in Redlands). Is that weird? Why do I feel like the only identity I have right now is my calling? I want me back, please. In an effort to find a balance between church and an actual life, I have been spending my precious spare time doing these things...

Going to Costco just to eat hot dogs with best friend Danielle:

Waiting in line at 5 AM for this phone with this man (thanks pop):

Reading this book (thanks Shauna):

Falling in love with this couch:

Making faces with this kid:

Listening to this soundtrack:

Making plans to move back to this place:

And sacrificing my ticket to see these guys...

...So that I can see these guys (hope I don't regret it):

I want to sleep for six days please. Is that the reason we have callings? To keep us from sleeping for weeks at a time? Is there something I can take to make me sleep for weeks at a time?
I need some answers.

cuuuuute

2008-07-01T21:16:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up and realized that I had fallen asleep with my glasses on AGAIN.

Now they are even more crooked. My dad had a great time with this one. All day I heard "Hey babe your face is crooked" and "I think your eyebrows need to be straightened out". Real funny dad.

2008-06-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

"And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl who likes to talk about bands
And all I wanna do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons."

don't be such a beach.

2008-06-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

The past two days have been amazing. My friend Sydney's family has a beach condo, and a group of friends went down there yesterday. We had the place to ourselves. It was so nice. We stayed the night, and spent the entire day today swimming and playing at the beach. I am sunburned, freckled, TIRED, and happy. I can't believe I almost didn't go. I had been feeling so crummy and was so convinced that I wouldn't enjoy myself. I wanted to sit at home and be boring, but I went anyway. I am so glad I did. I needed a day off, away from home. I needed to re-focus and remember how to have fun. I needed to remember not to worry so much.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us... If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Caution:

2008-06-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I was biking across a mountain of different-colored pantyhose with a baby on my back. Worst part of the dream: avalanche. What does that even mean? Do I really want to know?

Update: After a short gchat convo with my sister, we concluded that my dream chronicles my struggle to "live up to what is expected of most women" my age. Still not sure. More interpretations are welcomed with open arms.

Song: The Duke Spirit- Drinking You In. I had completely written off this band as a cheap pixies/sonic youth rip off, but I am warming up to them. I think they have something to bring to the table. They're just dark enough to suit me.

"Oh no, it’s sad
You hide away
And you’re not coming back
Nobody knows how it’s gonna be
I can see a week up ahead of me

What do you think when I’m not weeping?
What would you do now if this got wasted?
When are you coming ‘cause I’m not sleeping?
What are you doing now I’m not there drinking you in?"

The cool part about this song is that she sings it so coolly above such an intense sound from the rest of the band. There are all of these questions listed off during the chorus. She ticks them off meticulously, while the band goes grows more intense and out of control by the end of the song. It's like she's saying exactly how she feels, and the band is really showing you. Cool huh.

the happy list

2008-06-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

I've been making a conscious effort to do things that make me happy. I just finished re-reading my favorite Dicken's book. I've been dragging myself out of bed to do yoga while the house is still quiet. I am trying to hang out more with people I love. I've even tried changing my music.
It's no secret that I listen to sad music. I have been into folky-acoustic-depressing music forever, and it's really cramping my style.
Case in point: I was driving to Enrichment on Wednesday evening. The house it was at was in wine country- so beautiful. So here I am, driving through these amazing vineyards watching an amazing sunset, and I feel SO CRUMMY. Why? Because Joshua Radin was in my CD player. What a killjoy. Sorry Joshy, but your music totally put a damper on my night. I made a commitment to myself right then that I would start listening to happier music.
And so, without further ado, I present a list of happy-ish, upbeat music:
Pretend We're Alala- Illuminoids. This CSS/L7 mash-up is simply amazing. Everytime I put it on I can't help but start dancing. All you sorry self-conscious car singers beware: this song is a definite lip-syncher. You simply can't keep your mouth shut when this song is on. So roll up those tinted windows and enjoy. Also see by CSS: Let's Make Love, and their entire new album.
Time Stands Still- Cut Copy. I have loved this band for a while, and this song is the best thing thats ever happened to me. Expect dance capabilities to increase by 40%.
Combat Baby- Metric. "Ever since you have been gone, it's all caffeine free and faux punk fatigue" Seriously? I want to punch someone and scream and kick and dance (in a really good way) when I hear this song. Also see by this band: Succexxy, Dead Disco, and Monster Hospital mstrkrft remix.
Electric Feel- MGMT. These guys are making headlines lately, and it's for a GOOD REASON. They are good. Their new album Oracular Spectacular is great, but their previous album Time To Pretend is worth a listen too. Also see by this band: Time to Pretend (remastered version), Weekend Wars, Indie Rokkers
What I'm Trying To Say- Stars. This song is so precious. It really gets that whole "I'se lyke total crushin but I'se can't be tellin you yet" feeling. You know? So darling. Also see by this band: Everything. Especially on their album Set Yourself On Fire. I'm still warming up to In Our Bedroom After The War, even though it's been out for a while.
Goose, Bring It On- Steve Aoki. I can't say enough about this guy. He is a genius. Why aren't more people talking about him? Maybe they are and I'm not listening. This particular mix is a fave, with guest vocals by Todd Fink (lead vocalist of The Faint I think?) Also see by this artist: When Did Your Heart Go Missing, and Helicopter
Over And Over- Hot Chip. I know this song is so last year, but puhleeeze spare me. I still love it, along with everything on The Warning. You would think I would get tired of listening to the same album again and again (I couldn't say "over and over" because that's the name of the song and I'm not into unintentional puns right now) but this one never gets old. Also see by this band: Shining Escalade
No One's Gonna Love You- Band Of Horses. This title completely misrepresents the song. The lyrics actually read "No one's gonna love you like I do." Of course, this can be written off as a mushy love song, but I see it in a different light. I was babysitting my adorable niece the other day and my iTunes was on shuffle. This song came on, and it was so perfect. She was smiling and chewing on my shirt and drooling all over the place, and I couldn't love her more. "Anything to make you smile..." ahhh these lyrics are perfect. I didn't know I could love someone so much. I mean look at her:

I can't be sad or mad or negative when I'm holding her. She makes me too happy. Isn't she darling? Also by this band: The Funeral, Our Swords, St. Augustine, The Great Salt Lake
Fruit Machine- The Ting Tings. Try to listen to this song and not get dizzy. I dare you. Also see by this band: Shut Up And Let Me Go, Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix)

I posted all of these songs on muxtape for you to enjoy. Check it out at thehappylist.muxtape.com

may i present lykke li

2008-06-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

How creepy/awesome is this video? i could watch it over and over again.

Best day of my life.

2008-06-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe that's an over-exaggeration (is that a word?) but today has been pretty good. I am listening to Wolf Parade's new album "At Mount Zoomer" on repeat. My favorite song on the album BY FAR is "California Dreamer". You can listen to it here. Wolf Parade is my favorite band, and this album is perfect in every way. I can't wait to see them in July. God bless Wolf Parade. It's like they snuck into my brain while I was sleeping and built an album around what they found.
While I was enjoying the new album and having a relatively awesome day, I surfed Smithstix, trying to find a good concert to hit in Salt Lake since I'll be up there in a month for a wedding. Nothing too exciting this trip, but I found out that CSS is playing In The Venue September 15, the day before my birthday! Happy Birthday to me. I was on gchat with my friend Shauna, who bought a ticket immediately and told Casey-cuz to get one too. My sister is coming, along with other friends that are good at life. Sure gas is an arm and a leg, and it may cost $400 to drive up there, but I don't have to eat. This is going to be the best birthday ever. Driving long distances solo, reuniting with old friends, dancing my brains out...what more could a girl ask for as she leaves her teenage years behind? So buy a ticket and get there. kthnkxbai.

hello little dear, i think i'm in love with you...

2008-05-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

and you...

you too...

and maybe even you...

and i will always love you...

peek:
Matiko Ivana Wrap Sandal, $88 Urban Outfitters
-Summer necessity: the perfect wrap sandal in a light color to show off the tan
Shiny Halter Body Suit in Gold Lame, $30 American Apparel
-Not exactly water-resistant, but still cute for lounging by the pool
ABS by Allen Schwartz Pleated Paper Bag Skirt, $155 Nordstrom
-The perfect skirt for the endless summer weddings
Madras Patio Dress, $78 Gap
-Breezy and beachy. Just lovely.
C2 Leather Bootie, $150 Urban Outfitters
- Warm weather discourages this boot junkie, but a pair made of perforated leather is heaven. Cool and comfortable. So great.

more favorite things.

2008-05-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

I hope my last post wasn't lame. I didn't want to whine, I wanted to be honest. I think it's important to dwell on the lessons I am learning right now, rather than the sadness I feel sometimes.
To balance out all the darkness, here's a post of things I love right now:

1. Music in general
2. Shannon Kilpatrick who listens to me whine about every pathetic problem I have and then watches the same movies with me over and over
3. My niece who has the fattest cheeks of anyone alive and never cries. She is such a good baby
4. This video:

5. Making playlists. The perfect mix can make any day so good.
6. Youth Group. The song "Skeleton Jar" is amazing. i adore every line. "I feel like hell, you feel like dancing..." ahhhh who can't relate to that? When you feel so DONE with everything and the everyone else is just getting started??? "I hate you for liking me". This lyric is so amazing and self-explanatory...I am going off on a tangent and this is supposed to be a simple list, so I'll just move on, but DOWNLOAD this song! Do it.
7. Diet Coke. It's not organic, but neither am I anymore...
8. Early, EARLY mornings in my backyard (like 4am) when no one is awake yet and my whole street is quiet
9. Boots. Enough said.
10. Being completely mismatched and clashing but still feeling put-together
11. Lyrics that explain how you feel so well and make you cry
12. Seeing someone you love after a really long time
13. Getting the chills during a good conversation
14. NOT locking my keys in the car all year (knock on wood)
15. The turning of heads (good or bad)
16. Perfect jeans
17. Getting tan (yeah summer whooooo)
18. Dancing for hours without stopping (why am I always the last girl on the floor? Ladies, work on your endurance)
19. Driving really late with the windows down and the music turned up
20. Peppermint tea
21. A book so good that you stay up all night and call in sick the next day just to finish it
22. $5 Pizza with my sister
23. My sister Tatia. She is the only one in the world who can make me laugh so hard I cry
24. My puppy Max (even though I'm pretty sure there's something seriously wrong with him. He has NO sense. He runs into walls, but that's okay cause sometimes I do that too)
25. When people finally come through for you
26. Beach. Beachy beach beach.
27. Waking up with a GOOD dream in your head
28. Having a song stuck in your head, and then going and listening to it over and over
29. Finding the perfect outfit for an occasion and feeling sooo good in it
30. My mom.

failure: 60 percent

2008-05-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

So my mom is back in the hospital and I'm back to being a completely unhealthy human. Too much coffee, no food, not enough sleep...
They check her tray after every meal, and then record her food intake on a chart in percentages. On good days when she isn't too sick they pat her arm and say "very good, Mrs. Kindred! You ate 80 percent of your food today." When things aren't going well and she's really sick, they shake their heads. "Not good, only 60 percent." Then they look at me and sigh like I'm supposed to somehow force her to eat more. Sorry, I'm no miracle worker. Wish I was.
She took a long nap today and I sat outside with my styrofoam coffee cup and scowled at the flowers. I don't even like coffee, but my mom has been in the hospital for 5 days now, and drinking lots of caffeine everyday seems like the right thing to do. That way I feel like I'm doing something. I have to keep my hands busy. Smoothing her blankets, fussing with her IV chords, throwing straw wrappers away, brushing her hair, bringing my hot cup up to my mouth over and over again...it validates my presence there. I don't achieve anything, really. I try to make her comfortable, try to keep her spirits up, but I'm afraid that I fail miserably. "Not good kelly, you fail 60 percent today".
I was never any good at all of those comforting, motherly things that make someone feel like everything will be okay. That was always my mom's area of expertise.

I have a certain memory from my childhood. When I was about three, I nearly drowned. I was small for my age; very short. My height designated me as "cute", and I often got what I wanted because of it. My adorable height, however, got me nowhere when I fell into my friend's pool. I couldn't touch the bottom. I remember panicking. I remember the water tasting clean, like chemicals. It went up my nose. I breathed it in and swallowed it in huge gulps. I wanted to cry and scream but nothing happened. A neighbor was supposed to be watching me. She pulled me out.
When I got to my house my mom my mom picked me up and set me on the kitchen counter. I threw up some water and cocoa puffs on her shirt. It was my sister's surprise birthday party. I think she was turning 12. It was her big day, and she was mad that I was taking attention away from it. She cried and huddled around her friends as my mom and I left the party for the hospital. I remember how I felt in the car. I wasn't upset anymore. I was so safe in my mom's arms. Her smell was familiar and comforting. She was in control. She was fiercely protective, and her ability to take charge of the situation soothed me. In the emergency room she calmed me down by singing me songs. She patted my chest and smiled and hummed. I remember feeling so small in the big hospital bed. She climbed in and she rocked me. They pumped my stomach for some reason. At least I think they did. She was holding me the whole time. I threw up some more and then I went home.
That feeling I had while I was drowning- I have felt that a few more times in my life. It is a helpless feeling of complete pandemonium. I can't touch the bottom. I'm swallowing water. I'm blacking out. And then my mom would come to make me feel better. She'd sing me songs and take me to lunch and pat my chest and buy me new shoes and tell me it would all be alright.
But something has changed. Here I am again. I've fallen in, and I'm a hundred feet under water, but no one is pulling me out. No one is rocking me and no one is telling me it's going to be alright. Instead, I'm helping my mom get dressed. I'm singing her songs to calm her nerves during all the medical examinations. I'm climbing into hospital beds with her and patting her and rocking her and helping her eat. It's her turn to drown. It's my turn to help. It's her turn to feel comforted. I just hope I get better at this as I go. Coffee is so gross, by the way.

2008-05-17T16:02:00.000-07:00

Two weeks of organic eating have been flushed down the drain. Last night I ruined myself with half a can of Diet Coke, two slices of FRIED keilbasa and a large helping of some kind of gooey chocolate mess my sister pulled out of the oven.
I wanted to take advantage of the free rent I get by living at home and switch to an all-organic diet. No big deal, right? I mean, last year I ate completely organic for 4 months, and even took a stab at veganism. This time around, however, I am weaker. NOT fully invested. I bow down to hormones and pesticides. I swoon at the thought of preservatives, artificial flavoring and high fructose corn syrup. I was doing so well, too. I don't care. So I fell off the band wagon? I'll grab a Reeses and a 32 oz Dr. Pepper on my way back up and start again on Monday.

While I'm at it, does anyone have any good organic recipes they'd like to share??? Maybe something relatively cheap and simple?

2008-05-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Muxtape.com is a great way to share music that you like. I made a playlist of music I am listening to right now. You can tune in here.

!

2008-05-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

Alright guys- it's time to get serious here. Lately I have been thinking more and more about an issue that has plagued me through my many years of dating eligibility (and my few years of actually dating).
Why is it that books are always a deal-breaker for me? This is so sick, but I usually just can't bring myself to kiss a guy goodnight if he reveals to me over dinner that he'd sooner re-read the entire Harry Potter Series 30 times than pick up a life-altering C.S. Lewis Book I suggested. Call me a literary snob, but books are very important to me. I can't tell you how quick I can lose my appetite over a bad story line. "Your favorite book was Da Vinci Code? Drop me off at the next light." I wish I was joking, but I'm not.
Now, here is where the real problem lies: I am hung up on someone who doesn't really love to read. I don't know what to do. I can look past the smelly socks, I'll turn my head to the quirks and nerdy indulgences (hell- I'll even embrace the comics), but claiming that Lord of the Rings is a better read than Dicken's Hard Times is just too much.
What's a girl to do? Don't get me wrong- I don't want to change anyone. But when does a difference in opinion and taste turn into a difference in lifestyle? Am I crossing a line when I assert that a favorite author can reflect volumes about a person? If JK Rowling is your idol, is it just not meant to be? WHY CAN'T I DATE YOU? I'm lost. I'm confused. I would appreciate a little advice.

Thanks,
Lonely Literary Loser.

UPDATE: I found this related article to be quite interesting. ch ch check it.

my favorite things.

2008-05-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

so, the sun is out now and california doesn't seem as bad. i spent the morning watching gilmore girls with my mom in her bed and the afternoon in my backyard reading. now it's time to start dinner and i'm still eating organic. we'll see how long it lasts this time...
yesterday i spent the day with two of my best girlfriends from high school. nikol annamarie and shannon eileen- look how cute we are:
i have missed them. it's so funny how some things will never change. i haven't seen these girls in about a year and we are as close as we've ever been. they make me laugh all the time. i love them. shannon and i have watched the movie "awake" everytime we have hung out, and i am fully prepared to watch it again. it's not the best movie i've ever seen, and jessica alba is SO bad at acting, but hayden christensen is so hot. i can't help but drool over every line he says. ever since his steamy performance as anakin skywalker i have loved him (pre-creepy burning and robot transformation). he's hot. i love to look at him. here, you can look at him too:

something that has been bothering me: my hair is having the weirdest reaction to california humidity. it's so wavy it's almost curly. i don't have huge problems with it, it's just so weird to me that my hair has changed so much. i mean, my hair has been stick straight most of my life. so why is it curly now? so so weird.
i love my friends. that's all.

Bad Luck.

2008-05-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

There is a type of person. You may remember them from elementary school. While everyone marched in a perfect line to class, they were always a step behind, too busy mumbling imagined stories to themselves and staring at the clouds to keep up with everyone else. They probably fell down a lot. Their socks were mismatched, their clothes were crumpled and, no matter how hard their mother probably tried to get the cowlicks out of their hair, they always looked as if they had just walked in from a severe windstorm. These were the kids that always managed to spill half their tray of food before getting to the lunch table- the ones who had so many band aids plastered to their bodies that they could pass for a midget mummy. They were the awkward ones. The clumsy ones. The just-plain-unlucky ones.The kind of kids you ignored when they called your name from across the playground. Just turn around and walk in the opposite direction. It was best to avoid these kinds of people. These kids could hurt themselves trying to survive in a padded room. They grew up to be the friends you expected to call in the middle of the night, asking for a ride home from the hospital, a loan to get out of jail, or a jump to revive a dead car. They don't gamble or drive long distances or even bother leaving the house most days. These poor souls are damned to an eternity of bad luck. All of the bad things in the world happen to these people, and they can't help it.
It doesn't take someone very long to realize that I am one of these people. It's not that I am fond of victimizing myself- it's just that I am completely and totally aware of my awful luck.
Now, there comes a time when most people become aware of the world around them. This experience cannot be isolated into a single circumstance, rather, it is a gradual process that comes as slowly and painfully as puberty to a middle schooler. When we're young, we walk around with our heads in a box. We stuff as much inside of it as we can, but when it's full we stop. And we certainly can't see out. All we see is what we know, and that is all we think about. As we grow older, the box tears away, and our tender eyes are exposed to a very confusing world. I believe this said experience of my own gradual awareness came to a climax at some point last year. As I became more aware of the world around me, I also became more aware of my bad luck. I came to realize that I was different from most people. While everyone else had normal families and normal lives and normal classes and normal jobs and normal relationships, I did not. So i had to adjust. Expect the unexpected.
I was constantly reminded of the fluidity of the life I was trying to live. What I am trying to say is that, for someone plagued with misfortune, I came to learn that my world could change in an instant without any warning. A storm could hit and BAM! My ship would be sinking. This acute awareness can be dangerous. Without the right amount of sarcasm and dirty humor, I can flounder in the depths of my constantly-changing tides. Luckily, I have been blessed with enough good humor and optimism to learn to chuckle and hum to myself through time out chairs, the waiting rooms of hospitals, disastrous dance recitals, the detention halls of my schools, my old bedroom (recently redecorated into my dad's office), insurance adjusters' offices, and even a few creaky funeral homes. Adjust, adjust, adjust. Laugh it off. Enjoy yourself. Laugh at the mortician's poor choice of shoes. Remind yourself to write a letter to your sister about the doctor's silly squeaky voice and exaggerated lisp as he tells you just how bad it really is. These are the things my conscious mind actually think of. Is there something really wrong with me? Is it distasteful or horrible that I can find something ridiculously hilarious in even the worst circumstances?
I know that my humor gets me in trouble. I'm the kind of girl that raises eyebrows. No inner dialogue. If I think something, I am certainly going to say it. This leaves most teachers, priests, and other respectable adults wondering "Why in the hell would she say that?" I don't know. I really don't. Leave me alone! I'm coping. It is an automatic mechanism that is triggered in my brain when yet another awful thing happens. I can't control it. If I don't want to cry, I may as well laugh my ass off, right? Anyone? Right?

opening up.

2008-05-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

this is what is in my brain right now...

- i am so scared of hillary clinton. SO SCARED. has anyone listened to her lately? i heard WITH MY OWN EARS something about taxing "excess profits" earned by big oil companies as one solution to the gas crisis. uhhh...socialism, anyone? here's the quote:
"you set a baseline and, above that baseline, you begin to tax their profits."
i heard one blathering weirdo on CNN actually talk about the "equal sharing of wealth". what the hell? what happened to capitalism? putting a "cap" on the amount of money a business or industry can earn is taking a million steps past the place where freedom stands. why aren't more people talking about this? am i the only one who is scared of this nonsense?
also, didn't we do this already? was i the only kid paying attention in economics? well...actually i think i really was the only one. anyway, doesn't anyone remember when we taxed windfall profits in 1980? oil companies? oil crisis? AM I RINGING ANY BELLS? guess not. i'll tell you what happened: production fell. why? i'm glad you asked. i'll tell you: because there is NO INCENTIVE to produce oil if there is NO PROFIT because all excess funds are being TAXED.
DUH. moving on...

- i moved home for the summer. i'm confused. someone please tell me what i'm doing.

- i need a new car. i really want a honda element. i have always loved them. don't laugh at me please. i have a feeling shauna is going to burn me on this one...

- there are clouds in the sky. why isn't the sun shining? i moved to california, not seattle. give me a break.

- the whole moving process has made me insane, and i've been running every night. i guess it's good for me, but i may be running too hard because my whole body hurts all the time. ouccchhh my f.ing back.

- i've lost my music mojo. nothing coming to me lately. i can't write, i can't play...i'm stuck.

- my parents are getting old. why is that so scary?

- i'm sorry, but i hated the movie "made of honor". call me a movie snob, but it was boring and didn't teach me anything. my friends loved it, i'm just not a girl i guess. patrick dempsey's beautiful hair wasn't distracting enough. the movie was BAD. i really want to see "expelled" though...

- i need new clothes. someone take me shopping.

- my dad and i are building road bikes, and i get to hear lectures on the "damn kids" on fixies everyday. he hates them. it's really funny.

2008-03-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

first thing: i have a new baby in my house. my niece, ella theresa, is the cutest baby ever. check out the blog i made her at ellatheresa.blogspot.com.

in other kelly jo news, i got into a music school in hollywood and am starting there next month. woop woop.
only problem is that i have no where to live. my parents live just north of san diego, so a commute would be absolutely awful. here's my official plea to friends and family on blogspot: find me somewhere to live! if you know anyone that is living in the los angeles area looking for a roommate, or if you have family that is willing to rent out a room, let me know! i'm relatively desperate- school starts soon, and i may be living out of my car.

it's been a good week. i work for my dad all day and come home to the cutest baby ever. life is good.

we used our fists.

2008-02-12T16:36:00.001-08:00

i am searching for new ways to get my frustrations out of my body.
yoga works.
dancing it out is by far the most tiring.
yelling just introduces more negativity.
blogging puts the mess on a screen so i can read it back into my head again.

when we were kids, we used our fists.

i have been nannying part time. i watch these amazing little boys deal with problems in a completely different way from adults. i don't understand how we get so far from our natural ways as we grow older. certainly, kids' methods aren't "accepted" as mature, but grown ups aren't any better at problem-solving. how is it that a lawsuit is better than a punch in the face?

it's amazing how far we remove ourselves from our childhood. we forget things.
playtime is one thing. remember how it was? tribal.
there are initiations, rites of passage, seniority privileges, fights, and worship.
when someone has a problem, they fight it out.

l.a. boxing is offering a free trial-week. i think i may sign up.
i think i may need to use my fists.

2007-ish

2008-02-05T11:30:00.001-08:00

i had a long lunchbreak today.
on the way to my house i stopped at little caesars (good thing the box is sitting next to me on my bed right now so i could spell-check it) and drove through crest for a dcbs.
for those readers out there who don't know me (i really hope there aren't alot of you. creeps.) dcbs= diet coke BIG SWIG. crest drive-through put the convenience in convenience store. i don't even have to get out of my car. i just drive up, and an evenly-tanned, over-plucked, intimidatingly-peirced crest girl leans out the window to serve me a 32 oz. cup of perfection. medium amount of ice, excellent balance of carbonation and syrup, and NO snow in my shoes??? GOD BLESS CREST. these girls recognize me now.
today they asked how my day was going, and wondered why i hadn't been in as often as usual. sorry girls, 2008 means cutting back on my diet coke consumption. too bad. i miss them.

while i'm on the subject of being gr8 in 2008, here's some belated new years-ey stuff:

i'll start off with a bucket list i've made, inspired by shauna's post about it. i went ahead and left out all of the obvious stuff (serve a mission, graduate from school, get married, raise good lil americans, be old, etc.) and just covered the less obvious things i want to do soon:
1. buy a complete set of the harry potter series. bury it.
2. organize a blind snowball ambush on a provo parking cop.
3. skydive (seriously).
4. beat my sister at mario kart (serious again).
5. eat an entire little caesar's pizza in one day. hey...i just DID THAT. i need a check mark. how do i make a check mark???
6. learn how to make a check mark on my blog.
7. live in a foreign country for at least 3 months.
8. own everything nanette lepore has ever designed.
9. grow my hair long long long (or just go at least 3 months without chopping my hair).
10. drive cross-country.

as far as 2007 goes, it was pretty good. i grew up a lot. i found out that people lie a lot. i learned that boyfriends are pretty much the worst idea ever. i started my own business. i ate a lot of sushi. i kissed a lot. i cried a lot.
i watched some pretty good movies (no order):
-juno
-sweeney todd
-things we lost in the fire
-the darjeeling limited
-i'm not there
-amazing grace
-becoming jane
and i saw some AWFUL ones that i HATED (don't get mad):
-i am legend
-music & lyrics (i actually can't pass full judgement on this one. i walked out.)
-lions for lambs
-lucky you (BORING. walked out.)
-georgia rule (walked out.)
-national treasure 2 (didn't walk out. wish i had walked out.)
i also listened to some pretty amazing music:
throughout the year: rilo kiley, the shins, wolf parade, clap your hands say yeah
early months: rachael yamagata, emiliana torrini, gregory and the hawk, and sigur ros helped me crawl through a deep pit of self-pity and despair in the midst of a stupid breakup. i was REAL sad.
spring: tatia leaves for india. discovered the rapture...listened to "echoes" and "pieces of the people we love" albums for 2 months straight. also became obsessed with peter bjorn & john.
summer: god bless this season. lots of electro-pop and happy, bubbly music. lots of bike-riding soundtracks. CSS, new pornographers, the bird and the bee, metric, justice, teddybears, tokyo police club, stars, the teenagers, etc. i listened to shout out louds the most though. they were my salvation. my favey.
fall: tatia's back from india! insert alot of yelling & arguing about music in the car. alot of "i don't want to listen to this crap. it's just noise." NO, that's not my dad- it's my sister and she doesn't like my music. we agree on a few (namely tegan & sara, sufjan stevens, and blonde redhead). alot of yoga music. alot of explosions in the sky and mogwai. a little sigur ros creeps back.
winter: tried to keep it hot under a blanket of icy doom & despair. more CSS, lots of yeah yeah yeahs, band of horses, and radiohead. new tegan & sara album "the con" kept me warm on cold winter nights. mixed it up & kept it jumping with a little broken social scene and sonic youth.

i got rid of a lot of clutter in my life in 2007. i have a few very close friends and i have acquaintances. not really anyone or anything in between there. i guess ex-boyfriends have a category too, but they're not really humans, so i won't classify them.
seriously though, when i look back to february of 2007, i realize how different i am now. i can't wait to look back a year from now and see what kind of progress i've made. hopefully i'll be taller. i mean, probably not...but i can dream.

these dayz.

2008-01-24T21:59:00.000-08:00

haven't been blogging very well lately. here's another music video that i love. i promise i won't post another video before i post something of substance.

xo xo-

wait. who?

2008-01-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

music videos

2008-01-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

for a while now i have used my blog to vent my frustrations. sometimes i need to throw my ideas up on a wall to see how they look.
i have, however, come to realize that i'm not the only one reading this. i don't make statements on here to try and change minds, rather, i am just stating my opinion. after reading actual arguments written on other people's blogs in response to some of the things i have written, i have decided to chill out on blogging. after realizing that some people took my blogging a little too...personally(?) i will try not to write about personal things anymore.
for the record, i love my life. happy blogging.

emily haines' vidoes are creepy. i love them:

emily haines & the soft skeleton- our hell

emily haines & the soft skeleton- doctor blind

this video makes me miss summer. barefeet, sundresses, swimming, camping, singing. i miss summer:

au revoir simone- fallen snow

this is just good:

lonely, dear- i am john

boyfriend.

2008-01-02T20:43:00.001-08:00

boyF.

2007-12-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

whatever happened to nice people? no one smiles anymore. no one looks or laughs or speaks with anyone they don't know.
i miss being a kid & getting away with confronting strangers for no reason.

i remember a time when i could meet someone and instantly be friends with them.

first day at a new school i met a girl with hair longer than anyone i had ever seen. she let me braid it during reading time and even shared crayons with me.
we had the same lunch box. we held hands and told secrets the rest of the day.
she had a crush on chris king because he wore a cross necklace everyday, and could hide his bubblegum from the teacher.

but after a week, she wouldn't play on the handlebars with me.
no secrets, no hands, no braids.
no reason.

then no one smiles anymore. no one looks or laughs or speaks with anyone they don't know.
who made up these rules? who constructed these giant partitions that separate us from one another? why do i feel like i am crossing a boundary or breaking a rule if i offer to help a stranger or smile at someone in line?
so i try to start up a conversation with someone. a friend of a friend- someone i know, but someone i am not friends with.
i am an alien. i have seven eyes and green horns poking out of my head. i get a blank stare & an awkward smile. yeah, nice to see you again, too.

grow up, people! or is this it? is this what "grown ups" do? if it is, i don't want anything to do with it. i'll be an alien. i'll have seven eyes and green horns coming out of my head. you can go ahead and look at me like i'm crazy, but it won't stop me from talking.

2007-11-25T23:04:00.000-08:00

so we go around the table before feasting on our thanksgiving dinner and recite what we are thankful for. here some friends, there a promotion...guitar hero and hair dye. thankful for flowers and beauty and success and raises and babies and family and yelling and bad words and disagreements and anger and hurt and skeletons in the closet and invisible elephants in the room. oh yes, we are all so thankful.

when i was six i put several mismatched outfits and some koala cookies in a big pumpkin-shaped bag and ran away from home. i camped out downstairs in my older sister's basement room for two whole hours. i tried on the clothes i had brought, ate all my cookies and went back upstairs for bedtime.

this year, when i left home a day early from my thanksgiving visit, i felt like i was really running away. it felt nice. as adults we never really grow out of that escape complex. we run away from home just as we would as a child. the only difference is that this time we have money and food and a place we can pay rent to stay at...and so we are able to stay away. but we all come to realize that- as far as we go- we are never able to shake the memories, habits, and anxiety that have all been instilled in us by our experiences at "home". people throw themselves into their careers, they obsess over school or a lover or drugs or any other type of distraction they find to try and create some sense of identity or independence, but we are all just products of our upbringing, and we never escape it.

we can never run away.

2007-10-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

so then my entire childhood is gone.
burned to a crisp.

i really have no concept or vision of what the fires have done to the only place i have ever considered my real home. i guess it will finally sink in when i go back for thanksgiving.
it will be black instead of green. so so weird.

on a completely and drastically different and unrelated note (that i should probably put in another post), i am in love with these shoes & this company right now:
so rad. i mean look at the soles:

check em out and more at www.keepcompany.com.

2007-10-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

tua & sam came down for a visit and brought their camera and skills. tua took about a million pictures. here are a few:

please pray for rain.

2007-10-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

southern california is on fire. my parents are going through pictures, getting together important files, and waiting for word of evacuation. i really hope that doesn't happen. most communities are declaring a local state of emergency, and it doesn't look good for many homes in escondido today.

my dad called to tell me that the town where i grew up, fallbrook, was evacuated last night. my parents only live about 15 minutes north, but there is a mountain that may keep the fire away. some of the news is really shocking- apparently flames have reached a height of 200 feet, and some blazes are 0% contained.
i know this is really shallow and/or immature...but i hope this doesn't affect my american apparel order that was supposed to ship out today...

oh, of course.

2007-10-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

fine art taco photography.
go here: http://henderob.com/

scaredy-cat.

2007-10-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

even as we lie in our beds and sleep, we clench our fists & grind our teeth to nothing. our hearts beat and our bones creak as our dreams become wild & unruly. we worry we turn we move against the cold-
i honestly can't think of a time when my body and mind are completely at rest. my dreams have become so vivid and real that they actually scare me until i convince myself that i was asleep.

it's raining outside. the night is creepy in a lush, campy sort of way. my windows are open, but i'm not worried. nothing brings me down.

feels like fall.

2007-10-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

the snow is creeping down the mountains.
emiliana torrini's music reminds me of cold and winter.

"ungraceful as i am in loving
in leaving, i'm the same.
it's way too late to say i'm sorry-
but i'll say it anyway."

i really love her. her music is so peaceful & disturbed at the same time.

"you thought of a name to call me
i guess that's how it goes.
i know a few with the same name
yes, i'm sad i'm one of those."

it's so easy for her to acknowledge our pathetic human need to be needed.
she criticizes and embraces it all in one stanza- admitting that she is guilty of indulging herself & enjoying the very game that she despises.

"and when the day falls
i guess it was love.
and when the day falls
at least it was."

and there it is- she gives up. her power over the situation is gone, but she finds comfort in the knowledge that she was on top at one point. she is satisfied with that. at least it was.

Emiliana Torrini- At Least It Was

southern gothic heaven

2007-10-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

finally got the new iron & wine album: the shepherd's dog.
words cannot express how pleased i am.
i am drunk off the creaky smooth sounds and pleasantly drifting down a tom sawyer river with my good friend sam beam.
i hope this feeling never goes away.

je suis très fou à toi.

2007-09-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

i was never an angry person.
my entire life, when people wanted to fight, i usually either zoned out or cried.
i hated fighting & wanted nothing to do with it.

in the past four months i have finally taught myself how to get angry.
i have learned how to be offended & how to get upset.
i've yelled at people, & it's been a liberating experience.

i have, however, also learned that anger is horrible when it is left unleashed.
there have been a few situations when i haven't been able to express my emotions, & the anger can be self-destructive.

so i'm putting it back on the shelf.
it's not who i am anyway.

peace. seriously.

the execution of all things.

2007-09-19T15:01:00.001-07:00

the virtual chia pet on my macbook died. again.
i deleted him. too much pressure.

last night i felt a little soul-cleansing was long-overdue, so i decided to do what any young trendster would: i googled.
it seems that soul-cleansing is a very popular subject.
the search engine yeilded approximately 2,040,000 results, none of them useful to me.
after some thought-sifting, reading, fingernail painting, writing, & yelling at the spider i found in my closet, i came to realize that my soul wasn't the object in my life that required cleansing.
indeed, a rather different area of my life is calling for a mass-murder: my friendships.
not very many people that i associate myself with make me happy. in fact, the majority of them actually make me feel worse about myself.
i came up with a new formula for optimal self-protection: caller i.d.
duh.
if someone doesn't enrich my life, they are being cut out. completely executed from my phone (and life).
if i don't call you back, you're probably mean. so go examine your treatment of others.
boo.

thank you for choosing southwest

2007-08-21T17:54:00.002-07:00

it is easy to identify the southwest employees by their belted high-waist pants. it seems as if they are members of some secret order, kept in line with pinching waistlines. their walk is a different as each country’s proud military march- enforced by the tightest shorts available to man.
the color of their shorts must be an initiating humiliation at first- followed by a deep sense of pride & honor in identification with periwinkle.
i have just endured extensive security checks, watched over by mean looking rent-a-cop’s with DOGS (yes, wolf dogs) watching my every move. i took my shoes off, i took my loads of jewelry off, and i even had my underwire bra metal-detected. and yet, after getting past all that, i have to now place my trust in the periwinkle bedecked pansy officers of southwest. they’re friendly, smiley, hairsprayed & awful. terrorists would be able to knock their nike’s off with one glare. i have to admit, as i sit here and eye all of the sketchy white trash characters around me, my faith in the airline industry is wavering.
why can’t we make the attendants more intimidating? seems that they should all have camouflage outfits & m-16’s instead of tubesocks & cardigans. personally, I would feel much safer.

whitewash'd.

2007-08-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

my apartment contract ends next friday.
i hadn't realized how many holes i put in my walls until i started taking things down & packing them.

out came the spackle & paint.
i filled in all the holes & rolled over them with a satin finish of "custom ultra white".

it looked as if i had never been there.

the result was so satisfying, i was tempted to grab the paint roller & glide it across myself.

i think i need to take some spackle & paint to fill in a few holes i've created in my life.

i bet if i pulled out my heart it would resemble a graffiti-ed & war torn mess, rivaling the berlin wall.
it might need some shining up, kids.

2007-07-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

i've taken to writing things down.

knock out

2007-07-11T04:59:00.001-07:00

everyone has their demons.

everyone is supposed to drag them out everyonce in a while
to show them who's still boss.
to give em the old one-two.
to fight the good fight.

to do a little spring cleaning.

we roughhouse em
push em around a little
feel better about ourselves
& then shove them right back inside
deep down, where no one can see
so no one has a clue how much of a coward you truly are
so no one knows what a joke you've become

i've got my demons.

but i'm lining them up
i'm taking them down one by one
i'm truly destroying them
& all that they represent

but there's one demon i can't seem to conquer.

my biggest one.

it's a toughie
because this demon
lives
breathes
walks
laughs
drives
kisses
loves
works
moves on

while i sit here
punching away at something that doesn't even waiver.

bigger than me
bigger than my fists.

but i will succeed
out of neccessity
because there's a long line behind him
& i've got plenty of other demons to deal with

so move along, sir.
move along.

i'm about to knock you out.

all the good that won't come out of me.

2007-05-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

human pain and experiences should be internalized.
at least, that's what i've been told.

if pain or sadness is experienced, we should internalize it.
we should make it our own.

the only catch is what this precarious cure for emotional detachment requires:
we are supposed to think it through.
we are supposed to use logic to blast through these complicated feelings, our swords of confrontation pressing forward, our sheild of closure gallantly protecting us from guilt.

it just doesn't seem healthy. or safe.

in a current re-read of 1984, one sentence struck me: "Nothing (is) your own except the few cubic centimeters inside your skull..."
maybe old george was right.

why then, should i use up my mind- that precious, small space- to store & slowly work out pain or affliction?
this seems to be the chief question plaguing me: how can i work out a problem in my mind that has originated in my heart?

my heart is much bigger, and seems more appropriate for the role addressed, but it certainly isn't my own space. it belongs to God. it belongs to my family. it belongs to everyone & everything i have ever loved.

and all the people and things that have hurt me- they're in there too. they have conquered my heart.

i've been listening to rilo kiley's "the good that won't come out" incessantly.
i've been searching for the reason i find such an affinity for this song, and have come to the conclusion that reasoning lies in the lyrics. there is one verse that reflects my own opinion on a characteristic found within every human being:

"i do this thing where i think i'm real sick
but i won't go to the doctor to find out about it
cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
as they chart up your insides and put them on display.
they'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

all the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind."

there certainly seems to be a lack of good things coming out of anybody these days.
i know alot of good people that can't seem to be good to me.
i consider myself to be good, yet i can't seem to show this in my actions.

again comes the subject of internalization.
all the bad that is inside of me...floating around in my brain...all the pain, the sorrow, any sadness or grief- when it is left undealt with, i let it escape. it is pushed onto other people by my actions, words, and thoughts. i can justify my pain by blaming someone else.
i honestly feel better after i try another confrontation, after i show up & remind someone or something that they hurt me. but it's just a quick fix.
the pain eventually finds its way back to me and creeps back into my mind.

i have come to believe that the true internalization process begins by removing all the things that hurt from your mind.
we must forgive ourselves.
we must find places in our bodies, deep within our souls, to cage and eventually tame these weakening emotions.

crushed.

2007-05-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

love is supposed to draw people closer together.
easy as that.

funny thing is: to me love seems to be a violent weapon
rather than the beautiful tool it is so often described to be.

when you admit to yourself that you love someone
you are simply giving them the power to hurt you.

it's what they do with that dangerous power
that shows you what kind of person they are.

crushing.
now here's an easy, simple, and safe way to invest your emotions.
hands-off admiration; the occasional flirtatious conversation or exchange of knowing glances
awkward run-ins or chance shared interests- these things excite us,
but certainly don't require any investment of emotion or heartache.

an eternity of crushing.
i could live through that.
heartache?
not a chance.

so here i go:
-guy in the line at the grocery store
-cute waiter at cpk
-boy sitting behind me in sacrament
-man (most likely married) who let me go first at the stop sign last wednesday

i'll admit it.
i'm seriously crushing.

watch me.

2007-05-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

the world of pretend isn't a cocoon.
it's a cage.

pushing reality to the backs of our minds
embracing the false lives we build for ourselves
& smiling our way through each unhappy circumstance
seems to be expected.

maybe i'm ready for a little abnormality in my life.
maybe i'd like to throw my world off its' slowly-turning, dependable axis.

maybe i'll face each day, head on
brandishing my sword of a broken heart
& shield of mixed emotions.

maybe i'll live my life, reacting the way i actually feel like
rather than making a move only after carefully considering the expected action to be made.

reality isn't what we make it, our lives are.
reality is simply another tool we are given to shape our lives into something better.

so watch me.

"you failed to water your chia"

2007-05-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

it's been mother's day for 37 minutes.
& i can't really sleep at all.

i feel kinda sick---maybe the masman i shared with devin at thai kitchen?
maybe i'll throw up.
maybe i'll fall asleep soon.

i have a chia pet widget on the dashboard of my macbook.
i keep accidentally killing it.

i couldn't remember to water it.
i couldn't remember to hang up the curtains in my room.
i couldn't remember to send my mom a card for mother's day.

i just kept thinking that she wouldn't be able to read it
& then i'd feel like i was gonna throw up
so i'd forget it.

i'll call her tomorrow.
i'll see her thursday.
i'll take her for a pedicure.
she'll like that.

"sea & the rhythm" by iron & wine reminds me of disneyland with my dad when i was eight.
we rode the train to disneyland & stayed in the hotel for my birthday.
at the beginning of the pirates of the carribean ride, while you're passing the blue bayou restaurant, there's a banjo playing.

my dad used to play his guitar for me. he'd make up songs with my name in them.
"nothing is quite as pretty
as kelly in the morning
kissed by the shades of night
& sunlight in her hair..."
when i was older, he'd wake me up for early-morning seminary with them & i'd throw pillows at him.
most of the time there would be a glass of orange juice waiting on my nightstand after i got out of the shower.

he took care of me when things got rough
& i can't keep a chia pet from dying.
not even a virtual one.

i guess i'll just hit the reset button
& keep on trying.

beautiful world.

2007-05-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

i have come to be convinced
that sometimes things happen just to make a rough day a little easier.

400 east in orem
friday afternoon.

driving 20 mph because one of the 12 elementary schools within a 6 block radius just got out.
3 seven-year-olds are standing on a corner flagging down every car that passes.
they're violently throwing the peace sign out, begging cars to return the gesture.

i'm pretty sure they had 7 teeth between all three of them.
made my DAY.

i honked & threw the sign out to them.
made their DAY.

what a beautiful relationship.

seven-year-olds lobbying for peace.
what a beautiful world.

unicorn rap.

2007-05-06T10:50:00.000-07:00

cold pizza for breakfast.
sometimes people are so mean
for no reason at all.

makes you wonder what's going on in their lives
that would make them want to hurt someone they love.

watch this.

tying the knot.

2007-05-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

scene: yet another trip for yet another gift for yet another twelve-year-old friend's marriage. bridal registry tightly grasped in sweaty hand. violently pacing the aisles of bed bath & beyond to find "item 1973427: cuisenart wire cheese grater/ coordinating measuring cups".
hell.

as summer looms closer and closer, i seem to be receiving more and more wedding and bridal shower invites every week.
this is a public plea for help: please, no more.
my wallet is empty, my mind is gone, and i can't even open my fridge for all the tacky invitations.

i miss my soymilk.

my lack of patience/tact/sanity has led me to a new-found resignation.
i will NOT wake up at 9am every saturday morning to bridal shower-hop.
i will NOT waste my time searching stores for registered gifts. you get what you get. you just didn't know you wanted it.
i will NOT keep your engagement picture on my fridge. i will probably use it as a coaster.

and for every gift card i give, i will tuck in a simple grocery list for myself. if a bride really needs me to make her future life more comfortable, she can stock my pantry.

ouch ouch OUCH.

2007-04-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

i just wrote about 3 pages of blog
& then i erased it.

it was kind of liberating
to catalog all of my frustrations
& then delete them.

it's not like i want to look at them.

forgetting is easy when you love someone enough.
but until you have someone rip your heart apart
& abandon you to straighten out the mess they made
all by yourself
you'll never begin to understand how difficult it is
to truly forgive.
this year, i am learning.

i miss my mom.

shoes.

2007-03-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

brilliant.

disclaimer.

2007-03-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

i just realized
that because i kind of write in stanzas

my entries might look like i'm trying to write horrible poetry.

it's just how i orchestrate my madness

no poetry...i just hate sentences and paragraphs i guess.

day off

2007-03-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

they say that the healthy thing to do is just walk away.

and nobody else seems to have trouble with it.

it seems to be a really important part of healing, living, and learning
but i can't seem to understand the art of the essential walk.

we can't run away, because that's cowardly.
we can't turn around or look back, because we're not supposed to live in the past.

we are expected to take steady, solid strides away
we musn't stumble over our feet.
we are supposed to feel confident in our decision to leave
and never feel self-conscious about the way we look as we walk
or who could be watching
judging
or laughing.

doesn't any one realize how difficult it is for someone with such short legs
to take such big steps away from something that seems to be chasing her?

are we supposed to keep on going?
when is it acceptable to stop and breathe for a while?

what if the road i'm supposed to be traveling
turns into a tightrope?
i'm certainly not qualified for something so dangerous.
shouldn't i at least grab a helmet
or maybe some elbow pads
before i attempt such a dangerous feat?

and what if i decide i'd rather sit on the side of the road
with a diet coke and a bag of reeses
and watch everyone else walk

than try and do it myself?

....and then my boss tells me to take the rest of the day off & feel better.

she's hiding.

2007-03-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder if she's hiding.
maybe it's a game
and i haven't realized i should be playing it yet.

i want to go to some secret room
and talk to her
i want to tell her about my life.
i want to talk to her about my haircut
and my boyfriend
and my new skirt
and my hurt heart
maybe we'd paint each others nails
or tell jokes
and sing

maybe we'd cry
and i'd tell her i miss her
and i wish she'd come back
and that i'll see her real soon.

sometimes when she speaks
and i can't understand a word she says
and she yells cause no one gets it
but we hear her
we just can't understand
sometimes when she speaks
and i can't understand a word she says
i wonder if she is using the language of angels
and maybe if i pray hard enough i can understand

but she never really gets through.